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Desi Satire

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September 2009
Desi Satire

FAKING OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE

I don’t mean to alarm you, but there’s a lot of faking going on – and not just in the bedroom. Everyone’s involved in some form of faking, and if you don’t believe me, just visit your local high school. You’ll see fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails and fake breasts – and that’s just in the teachers’ lounge.

The latest form of faking is called communifaking – pretending to have a conversation on your cell phone. It’s a good way for women to protect themselves when they’re alone. If you happen to be on the train with a couple of thugs, just take out your cell phone and say, “Hi honey, I’m running a little late. I spent a few extra minutes practicing kicks at karate class.”

Many people communifake to avoid talking to someone, perhaps an ex-girlfriend who just happens to be walking toward them. “Hi honey, just wanted to tell you that Barack and Michelle are coming over for dinner. Yes, we’ll have cocktails on the yacht. Tell Nigel to get the Bentley ready.”

Some men even communifake to impress women. One day they’re dorks with no life, the next day women are drooling over them.

Anita: “Do you see that guy? He’s really popular.”

Maria: “He looks a little like your ex-husband.”

Anita: “Yeah, but this guy never gets off the phone. My ex-husband never gets off the couch.”

Maria: “He must be rich and successful. Look at the phone he’s using – a Sprint Blackberry Curve Palm Centro Smartphone!”

Anita: “I’d love to have his number!”

Maria: “I’d love to have his children!”

Impressing others is, of course, one of the main reasons for faking, whether you’re wearing fake jewelry, displaying a fake diploma, or chatting on a fake Smartphone. Fake hair can transform a man’s life instantly. That’s why I’m thinking of getting a toupee. Women will stop thinking of me as “the guy with the bald spot,” but instead think of me as “the guy with the bad toupee.”

Fake hair may not be a huge improvement, but fake teeth usually are, as long as your dentist didn’t graduate from a fake university. Fake teeth can help you get a date, but so can fake accents, especially if they’re French or Irish or even Jamaican. An Indian accent may not get you a date, but it might get you a job at Microsoft. Just don’t show them a fake degree or you might soon be standing before a judge, trying to produce fake tears.

Trust me, it isn’t easy to produce fake tears, even when your wife decides that the cooking show is more exciting than the football game. Fake laughter is much easier – and more essential to everyday life. It comes in handy at most workplaces, whenever the boss tells a joke.

Fake laughter, of course, is much better than the faking that goes on in the bedroom. This is particularly troublesome to men. We don’t mind a certain amount of faking, but do you know what we absolutely hate?

Fake headaches.

A PATENTLY DISTASTEFUL IDEA

Who invented chicken tikka masala, a popular dish in Britain? Ahmed Aslam Ali, a restaurant owner in Glasgow, Scotland, believes he did, almost 40 years ago, and Scottish MPs are trying to get official European Union recognition through a "Protected Designation of Origin" – similar to that given to French Champagne.

To chefs in India, however, Ali’s claim seems as ridiculous as Al Gore’s invention of the Internet. "Patenting the name chicken tikka masala is out of the question,” Hemanshu Kumar, founder of the website Eating Out in Delhi, told The Daily Telegraph. “It has been prepared in India for generations. You can't patent the name, it's preposterous.”

According to Zaeemuddin Ahmad, a chef at Delhi's Karim Hotel, chicken tikka masala is an authentic Mughlai recipe that was prepared by his forefathers, royal chefs in the Mughal period. “Mughals were avid trekkers and used to spend months altogether in jungles and far off places,” he said. “They liked roasted form of chickens with spices."

The Mughals were avid trekkers? Don’t tell that to the Scottish MPs. They might claim that it was the Mughals who brought chicken tikka masala from Scotland to India.

HOLLYWOOD EYES BOLLYWOOD

Remember that Bollywood movie you watched, the one whose plot seemed overly familiar? Well, if it was just one movie, you probably haven’t watched a lot of Bollywood. Then again, perhaps you haven’t watched a lot of Hollywood. Truth is, Bollywood has a long tradition of borrowing scripts from Hollywood – and without paying so much as a paisa.

But the tradition may soon be coming to an end, as Hollywood casts its eye on the billions that Bollywood is reaping around the world. Mumbai-based BR Films recently paid about $200,000 in an out-of-court settlement after Twentieth Century Fox alleged that the upcoming movie Banda Yeh Bindaas Hai (This Guy is Fearless) was a Hindi version of the Oscar-winning 1992 movie My Cousin Vinny.

“It’s going to be very tough to rob ideas from now on,” film critic Taran Adarsh told The Times, UK. “Hollywood’s suddenly looking at Bollywood very minutely.”

So if you’ve written an original script for a Bollywood movie, you’d better hop on the next plane to Mumbai. And don’t forget your dictionary, just in case a movie producer wants to know what the word “original” means.

DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN?

1. Wal-Mart, seeking the approval of Bal Thakeray, opened a store in Mumbai called Bal-Mart.

2. People in a Karnataka village dropped babies off the roof of a temple and caught them with a sheet as part of a religious ritual.

3. A female monkey named Mani was “employed” as a shepherd at a plantation in Kerala, taking care of 75 goats by itself.

4. “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi signed a deal with NBC to play the role of a Cherokee leader in a new drama series tentatively titled “Top Chief.”

5. A man in Kerala convicted of wrapping a piece of meat with the national flag was apprehended after evading the law for 19 years.

(2, 3 and 5 really happened)

DESI FUN ONLINE

Ashlee Madhukar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KxdBLTTJeE

The 17-year-old singer, who came second in Apollo Theatre's recent amateur talent contest, sings Whitney Houston's “I Will Always Love You.”

What Bhangra means to a white person

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmJE2b_Wqr4

A funny video from Pari Mathur and Harvin Sethi

Compiled and partly written by Indian humorist MELVIN DURAI.

[Comments? Contributions? We would love to hear from you about Chai Time. If you have contributions, please email us at melvin@melvindurai.com. We welcome jokes, quotes, online clips and more]


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