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February 2009
Desi Satire

Gupta Girls Excited About the New Surgeon General

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, neurosurgeon and correspondent for CNN and CBS, has been offered the position of Surgeon General in the Obama Administration, creating excitement not just among Indian-Americans, but also a group of women who call themselves the Gupta Girls. They've been maintaining a fan site for him, featuring a page of "pretty pictures" of Dr.

Gupta. Naturally, I had to interview their leader, a woman who prefers to be known just as a Gupta Girl.

Me: "Where were you when you heard the news?"

Gupta Girl: "I was at 7-Eleven, getting a soda. One of my friends, who is also a Gupta Girl, called me. I screamed so loud, people thought I had won the lottery. I spent the rest of the day calling and emailing all the other Gupta Girls.

We're so happy that our efforts have paid off."

Me: "Efforts? You mean you helped bring this about?"

Gupta Girl: "Well, we had nothing to do with the fact that Dr. Gupta is the handsomest, most intelligent, most eloquent doctor in the world ... "

Me: "On your website, you call him the 'Sexiest Doctor on the Face of the Planet.'"

Gupta Girl: "Yes, he's that too. We have nothing to do with any of that. But we did give money to President-elect Obama's campaign."

Me: "Did you ask Obama to appoint Gupta? Is this going to turn into a Blagojevich-like scandal?"

Gupta Girl: "No, nothing like that. Each of us just gave a little money and included a note that said: 'We love Barack Obama. He's almost as cute as Dr. Sanjay Gupta.'"

Me: "And you think that had an impact?"

Gupta Girl: "Well, it did make the Obama people realize that millions of people adore Dr. Gupta."

Me: "Millions of people?"

Gupta Girl: "It's probably billions around the world. Our Gupta Girls email discussion list has more than 100,000 subscribers. About half of them live outside America. We even had one in outer space."

Me: "Outer space?"

Gupta Girl: "Yes, one of NASA's astronauts is a Gupta Girl.

She took a picture of him to the International Space Station for an experiment."

Me: "An experiment?"

Gupta Girl: "Yeah, she wanted to see if her heart palpitations decreased in space."

Me: "And did they?"

Gupta Girl: "No, they actually increased. She thinks it's because there were no other sexy doctors up there. She's going to share the results with the entire Gupta Girls email list."

Me: "Is that what you mainly do on the email list -- discuss Dr. Gupta?"

Gupta Girl: "No, we mainly share photos of him. Various angles and poses. And not just the ones you see in magazines and newspapers. We have a few Gupta Girls who work at CNN and they take pics when he isn't looking. We even have one of him plucking his eyebrows."

Me: "Can I see any of these photos?"

Gupta Girl: "You'll have to wait until we create our new website. It's going to be called SGSG.com."

Me: "SGSG.com? Does that stand for Surgeon General Sanjay Gupta?"

Gupta Girl: "No, silly. It stands for Sexy Gorgeous Sanjay Gupta."

CALL CENTER ROMEO

An Indian call center worker was recently disciplined for sending amorous text messages and voice mail to a British Telecom (BT) customer who had just signed up for a landline.

One message read: "Hello, we spoke two hours ago regarding ur BT order. U must be thinking dat why I called u up second time without any reason of the call but to be honest I got attracted towards you and your wonderful voice. Can i be ur friend?"

The woman complained to BT, but perhaps she should have scared him off the way women usually scare men off: “Guess what? I luv your voice too! Do u believe in luv at first sound? We were made for each other. I’ve already told my parents about you. They want to meet u. They’re excited that I might be marrying a man with a job!”

And if that didn’t work, she could have tried the “Dad’s coming approach”: “Please send me your address. My dad wants to come there and meet u. He says he needs to make sure u would be a good hubby. He’ll be there for one month. Hope you have a guest room. If not, he’ll sleep on the couch. Btw, he snores.”

And finally, she could have tried the “Got Cash?” approach: “This is a little awkward, but I need to say it: my dad expects you to buy me an expensive diamond ring. He plans to go shopping with u. I hope you have enough cash. I’ll send you pics of the type of rings I like.”

DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN?

1. BJP leader L.K. Advani started a blog.

2. President Obama met with Deepak Chopra to discuss India-Pakistan relations.

3. Air India fired 10 flight attendants for being overweight.

4. Mumbai announced plans to increase the number of night rat killers from 13 to 240.

5. Shiv Sena workers held a memorial for India, former President George W. Bush’s cat.

(1,3 and 4 really happened.)

JOVIAL MATRIMONIAL

(Excerpts from actual matrimonial ads on the Internet)

She’s crazy about Indian food: “I am workoholic person. I love Indian food. I do not smoke or drink. I like Indian food and I love my culture very much.”

She’s looking for a simple, ambitious man: “I'm looking for someone between the age of 33-42 in USA. Someone who is ambitious, goal seeking, challenging, career oriented, mature, and simple person who can communicate (hold a conversation) and compromise.”

He’s a simple, ambitious man: “I am just a simple Indian guy with high ambitions towards my career, responsibility of my family as well as fun with my friends. I don't know what I like but I know whatever I get by my efforts I like that very much so I believe in making the things not in getting the things.”

He doesn’t expect much: “I am in search of someone with Victoria Secrets looks, IVY league gray matter, and an outgoing, friendly, and genuine personality. (two out of three is a good start).”

DESI FUN ONLINE

Surgeon General?

www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=215313

Comedy Central’s Aasif Mandvi wonders why Dr. Sanjay Gupta couldn’t have done better.

Speak of the Devil

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHHreWC0UYM

A performance by a Duke University a capella group featuring two Desis.

Brick balancing

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=2ce_1227473490

All in a day’s work: a Bangladeshi man balances 20 bricks on his head.

Compiled and partly written by Indian humorist MELVIN DURAI.

[Comments? Contributions? We would love to hear from you about Chai Time, our newest column. If you have contributions, please email us at melvin@melvindurai.com. We welcome jokes, quotes, online clips and more]


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