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Desi Satire

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May 2008
Desi Satire

Dear Parents,

Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends.

I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I need to use the potty."

That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for, the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some other parents take your problems. I mean, children.

Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition TV.)

Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry. Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28 percent better when they're with adults they don't know. People are always saying to me, "Your children are so well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them, "How would you like a free high-def TV?"

Let's face it: It's hard to be strict with your own kids. They know how to get their way, whether it's putting on a sad face, saying 'please' a hundred times or making so much noise, you can't hear what Oprah is saying. But you can be as strict as you want with someone else's children. They don't know which buttons to push, and even if they did, they'd be too afraid you might leave them in Acapulco.

We recommend that you be tough on them, as tough as a drill sergeant on fresh-faced recruits. Don't think of them as family members. Think of them as young people who have come along to handle your luggage. They can do all sorts of jobs for you: make your bed, wash your clothes, massage your feet.

You might be concerned that someone's going to be really tough on your children. Don't worry. It's only for a short time. Here's the important thing: once they're back from vacation, they'll think you're the greatest parents in the world. Yes, they'll finally learn to appreciate you. They might even kiss your feet.

DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN?

1. German supermodel Heidi Klum and her singer husband, Seal, invited a Varanasi priest to travel to Mexico to bless them on their third wedding anniversary.

2. Organizers of the Pantaloons Femina Miss India contest announced that it has two new sponsors and will be known next year as the Amul Butter Tata Motors Pantaloons Femina Miss India contest.

3. A baby girl was born in North India with two faces, including two pairs of eyes and lips and two noses.

4. In an interview with India Today, Mira Nair revealed that she and fellow Indian-American director M. Night Shyamalan made a bet in 1998 to see who could make the most cameo appearances in their own movies.

5. A Kingfisher Airlines plane damaged its nose wheel when it struck a jackal while attempting to a takeoff from Bangalore airport.

(1, 3 and 5 really happened)

PUGILISTIC PROFESSOR

Did you hear about the female boxer in Chicago, the one who spent much of her life hitting the books?

Her name is Aiyesha Dey, a 33-year-old Indian immigrant who has a doctoral degree from Northwestern Kellogg School of Management and teaches accounting at University of Chicago’s Graduate School of Business.

Boxing may seem an unusual choice for a professor, but Dey has grown to appreciate the sport. "I used to see boxing matches on TV, and I just thought, 'Oh, people just beat each other up. Why would anyone do it?’" she told the Chicago Tribune. "But I think there's so much to it, once you do it you realize there's strategy involved and footwork and you analyze your opponent. . . . I've grown to respect it a lot. And I respect everyone who does this kind of fighting, because these people are so brave."

She’s good enough to compete in the Chicago Golden Gloves Tournament, but is sorely lacking in one area of boxing: trash talking. When an opponent predicted she’d make it to the finals, she was self-effacing: "No, you never know what happens."

SUPER LEANDER

“The Magic Racquet,” a new 26-part cartoon series on Indian TV, will portray tennis star Leander Paes as a superhero who encourages children to be more active.

Paes, a multiple Grand Slam champion in men’s doubles, wants children to watch less TV and eat healthier food.

“It pains me when I see kids today spending a lot of time in front of TV sets and on unhealthy diets," Paes told BBC News. "As a father and a national sports figure, I feel it is my duty to impart love for sports and an active lifestyle so the next generation can develop the mindset of champions, both on and off the field."

It’s an interesting concept: a cartoon series to get children to watch less TV. If nobody watches the cartoon, will it be considered successful?

Producer: “Great news, Leander. Our ratings are down. Children have stopped watching the show.”

Paes: “Wonderful! Now I can move on to my next venture: creating a video game to encourage children to play less video games.”

JOVIAL MATRIMONIAL

Excerpts from actual matrimonial ads on the Internet:

Sorry, her family is closed: “I am presently working as a software engineer in Oracle Applications. Been brought up in a closed knit family, I am a family driven person. I also possess the religious values my family has pruned me with.”

She’s looking for a doctor: “As person I am good, simple, kind hearted, well mannered, belong from educated family. I want a person who cures for me, well-mannered, having sense of humour, loving natured and educated.”

He totally totals tea: “I am a very simple person, totally tea totaller. My hobbies include listening to music which include devotional music also, reading, watching T.V.”

He’s looking for a second-rate university: “My long term planning is to continue my study in IT sector and to do a doctorate from repudiated university in USA or in Australia.”

DESI FUN ONLINE

Dishoom2008

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLVaRD0-VSY

Amitabh runs for Prime Minister of America in this animated video.

Kenya sings for India

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAWarHi0OgE

A Kenyan rendition of Jana Gana Mana

Compiled and partly written by Indian humorist MELVIN DURAI.

[Comments? Contributions? We would love to hear from you about Chai Time, our newest column. If you have contributions, please email us at melvin@melvindurai.com. We welcome jokes, quotes, online clips and more]


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