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Still Figuring Out What Women Want

May 2005
Still Figuring Out What Women Want

Throughout history, men have been trying to impress women, and throughout history, men have failed miserably. It began with Oongah the caveman, who thought he could impress the cavewomen by hunting mammoths and other large animals. After each hunting trip, he would return home with various tusk injuries, mostly to his buttocks, and show them off to all the cave dwellers, saying, "See! Me real man!"

The cavewomen would giggle, then cast their eyes on Dongah, who had set himself apart from the other cavemen by doing something that seemed rather gentlemanly in those days: going outside to pee. What everyone didn't realize was that Dongah was going farther and farther away from the cave. Like generations of men to follow, he was marking his territory. Soon he controlled a vast expanse of land, which he showed off to all the cave dwellers, saying, "See! Me real estate man!"

At first, the cavewomen were impressed with Dongah's property, which included many caves, trees and rocks. But it didn't take long for them to realize that he couldn't give them what they really desired: credit cards.

When it came to inventing things, Dongah was out of his element, overshadowed by a caveman named Hongah, widely considered the greatest inventor of his time, having created what he called the "female-impressing raging energy" (FIRE). Unfortunately for Hongah, fire didn't impress many women, partly because they could no longer relax in the evening. They were now expected to cook.

But Hongah was determined to impress women, so he spent his days and nights on an even greater invention, one that would have an impact on the female species until the very end of time. He called it the handbag. Unfortunately for Hongah, when he presented this new object, made of the finest rabbit's fur, to an attractive cavewoman, she hit him over the head with it, saying, "Cook it yourself." This was the beginning of women's lib.

Fast forward to the 21st century and only the names have changed. Oongah is Oliver, the muscle-bound man who pumps iron at the local gym, attracting the attention of women by grunting loudly like a caveman. He has a chest the size of a washing machine, yet he's saving up for pectoral implants. He wears tank tops, participates in various sports and activities, and is eager to share details of his latest injury, whether he sprained his ankle while skiing or strained his frontal lobe while reading.

Dongah is Donald, the real estate magnate who is creating his own empire, signing deals to buy hotels, casinos and sky scrapers, marking his territory as publicly as possible, simply by pulling out his pen. He surrounds himself with beautiful women and tries to keep them happy by giving them the best handbags in the world ? handbags full of credit cards.

Hongah is Hitesh, the technology whiz from India who owns so many gadgets his friends call him "Hi-tech." All his gadgets are wireless and multi-functional, such as the cell phone he uses to take digital pictures and the digital camera he uses to make phone calls. Whenever he meets a woman, Hitesh brings out his gadgets, introducing them with more pride than most people introduce their children.

Each of these men has something to offer women: Oliver has bulging muscles, Donald has sprawling property and Hitesh has 100 gigabytes of disk space. But the women don't stick around for long. Strange creatures, they seem to be looking for something else.

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