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The Lighter Side: Helping You Heal The Election Wounds

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December 2004
The Lighter Side: Helping You Heal The Election Wounds

Helping You Heal The Election Wounds

Dear Democrat:

I know you're hurting deep inside, I know you've been downright miserable since President Bush won the election, and I'd like to lead you down the path to recovery. I'd like to help you deal with the pain and anger, the bitter taste in your mouth, the overwhelming desire to move to Canada.

I understand how you feel, but before you do anything drastic, you need to put things in perspective. As one New York man told his distraught wife, "Stop weeping, Anita. It's not the end of the world. Only the end of civilization."

But even that's an exaggeration. The future may look bleak, but civilization will survive, at least some portion of it. And so will you, as long as you seek comfort from your close friends, even the ones who think they are reassuring you when they ask, "How much damage can the man do in four more years?" Truth is, every time you hear the phrase "four more years," you feel like having four more beers.

But for the sake of the country, you need to find a way to support the president. You need to follow the example of my wife, a diehard liberal, who surprised me the other night when she said, "I didn't realize the president was so smart!" Of course, she was watching an episode of "The West Wing." (At least once a week, she gets her wish: to see a Catholic Democrat in the White House)

As painful as it may seem, you need to face the reality that Bush won this election fair and square (not that the "square" part was ever in doubt). You need to let go of the conspiracy theories swirling in your head, even the one that makes you wonder if Bush got some of his votes from the election in Afghanistan. You've been suspicious ever since you heard an opponent of President Hamid Karzai saying, "A vote for Karzai is a vote for Bush."

You need to forget about those exit polls, the ones that showed John Kerry winning comfortably in Florida and Ohio on election morning, only to fall behind by the end of the day, as though Democratic ballots were being put through the voting machine and Republican ballots through the Xerox machine.

You need to suppress your suspicion that Bush invaded Iraq knowing full well that no wartime president had ever lost an election, suppress your bitterness about his misleading the nation into a war that killed tens of thousands. After all, it was his "moral values" that helped him win 51 percent of the vote, that gave him what he's calling a "mandate," a curious word for a man who opposes same-sex relationships.

You can take solace in the fact that Bush won only 40 percent of the Hispanic vote, only 10 percent of the black vote and zero percent of the men-in-drag vote.

You can also take comfort in the fact that while Republicans control the White House and Congress, they don't have full control of the media. A couple of newspapers have totally escaped their influence, namely the Iceland Post and Timbuktu Times.

If you're still upset, here's something practical you can do: Take that Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker off your car and replace it with one that says, "I support President Bush: He won't hurt embryos, only Iraqis." Then find a blue-collar conservative and hand him a T-shirt that reads, "I ain't got no health insurance, but thanks to President Bush, I'm insured against gay marriage." That should make you feel better.


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