Fun Time: Driving Wisdom from My Decades of Driving
I’ve been a driver for more than 40 years, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on driving. I’ve learned many important lessons while driving, which I’d like to share with nondrivers, novice drivers and others by answering a few frequently asked questions (FAQs).
1. What do I need to begin driving?
The most important thing you need to begin driving is a vehicle. In general, you cannot drive without a vehicle. There are some exceptions, of course, such as driving a ball with a golf club, driving a nail into a plank, and driving your parents up the wall. (The latter is how my kids managed to do two types of driving at the same time.)
2. What about a license? Don’t I need one to drive a vehicle?
You do not need one, unless it’s important for you to stay out of jail. I highly recommend getting a license, as required by law, but I have to admit that I started driving without a license at age 15. I grew up in Zambia, where you had to be 18 to get a license. I couldn’t wait that long, especially since my mom was willing to allow me to drive her car when she wasn’t using it. This made me very popular among my friends. This popularity lasted several months, until we found ourselves in a police station. A police officer had stopped me for the serious offense of “overcrowding a car with rowdy boys.” Luckily, one of my friends was related to a judge and we were soon released—sent home to keep breaking the law.
3. What is the best way to learn to drive?
Enroll in a driving school or ask a family member to teach you. Do not ask a friend, unless the friend possesses the patience and demeanor of the Dalai Lama. It is important to learn to drive from someone who doesn’t easily scream or use bad language, otherwise you may need to sign up for driving therapy.
4. What is the hardest part about driving?
The hardest part about driving is getting a license. You have to pass a driving test, proving to a driving examiner that you are a competent driver. This isn’t easy, especially since you may have to drive around with the examiner for 20 minutes or more, during which time you may have to do the following: (1) show proficiency in parallel parking; (2) drive under the speed limit but not under the influence of anything; and (3) refrain from looking at your phone, even if your mother keeps texting you, asking if you passed.
5. If you have to prove that you are a competent driver to get a license, why are there so many incompetent drivers on the road?
This is a good question. I would not use the word “incompetent” to describe these drivers. I would use another ‘I’ word: idiots. There are too many idiots on the road, whether you’re driving in New York City, Mumbai, or Buenos Aires—but especially in New York City.
6. What is the best way to avoid accidents?
The best way to avoid accidents is to do more walking. Walkers rarely crash into each other. Another option is to take the bus or train. But if you insist on driving, the best thing you can do is drive defensively. This means that if you come across an idiot on the road, do not try to out-idiot the idiot. Remember: the idiot has lots of practice being an idiot. Perhaps even four decades like me.
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Compiled and partly written by Indian humorist MELVIN DURAI, author of the novel Bala Takes the Plunge.
[Comments? Contributions? We would love to hear from you about Chai Time. If you have contributions, please email us at melvin@melvindurai.com. We welcome jokes, quotes, online clips, and more.]
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