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Fun Time: Get Your Teens to Sign a Cellphone Agreement

Compiled/partly written by Melvin Durai Email Compiled/partly written by Melvin Durai
February 2023
Fun Time: Get Your Teens to Sign a Cellphone Agreement

Have you ever tried to take a bone from a dog? Trust me, it’s a very dangerous thing to do, even if the dog is a beloved member of your family. In fact, when it comes to taking an object away in a typical household, there is only one thing more dangerous: taking a cellphone away from a teenager.

You’re likely to endure a combination of S-words: scratching, spitting and snarling.

In most households, the parents are paying for both the cellphones and the cellphone plan. But before they handed the cellphones to the teens (or even preteens), they did not get them to sign a cellphone usage agreement. A good cellphone usage agreement goes something like this:

“I, the undersigned teen, being of unsound body and mind, do hereby declare my undying love and affection for the adults who have kindly granted me the use of a cellphone, AKA my parents.

In order to enjoy the privilege of using the cellphone, I agree to the following:

  1.  The cellphone belongs to my parents, who retain the right to take it away from me without any notice, even if I’m in the middle of uploading a video to TikTok called ‘Funny Musical Sounds from Various Body Parts.’
  2.  I will not use the cellphone when I have homework to do or an exam to study for, except in dire circumstances, such as when my parents have posted something on social media and need a ‘like.’
  3.  I will not bring the cellphone to the dining table, unless I intend to take photos of my mom’s amazing cooking to post on social media.
  4.  If my parents ask me to share all the messages I’ve sent and received, I will not laugh in their faces. I will turn to the side and laugh.
  5.  If my parents take me on vacation, I will not spend the entire trip staring at my cellphone. I will also stare at my siblings’ phones. And now and then, when my parents point out something in the environment, I will look at it. There is life outside cellphones and I will try to discover it.”

Unfortunately, most teens have not signed a cellphone usage agreement. This makes it extremely difficult for a parent to take possession of a cellphone. A desperate parent will occasionally turn to the internet for help, searching for the nearest “Teen-Cellphone Separation Service.” If they’re lucky, they will find a local business that they can call.

Parent: Please help me. My teenage son is addicted to his cellphone. I tried to take it away, but he’s holding it tightly and threatening to call Child Protective Services.

Business Manager: Don’t worry. I will send Rocky right over. Rocky has never met a cellphone he couldn’t remove.

Parent: I don’t want him to hurt my son, just take his phone away.

Manager: Rocky is very gentle. He follows our threestep plan. The first step is to ask for the phone politely.

Parent: I tried that. It didn’t work.

Manager: If that doesn’t work, Rocky will threaten to take photos of your son’s messy room and post it on social media.

Parent: That might work, but I’m not sure.

Manager: If that doesn’t work, Rocky will shoot your son with a tranquilizer dart.

Parent: Oh no!

Manager: Don’t worry, it’s the same dart they use on the lions at the zoo. Perfectly safe and very effective! Just shoot the lion and grab the cellphone.

Parent: Lions have cellphones?

Manager: Every now and then, a visitor will drop a cellphone into a lion’s enclosure. And next thing you know, there’s a DoorDash delivery from Outback Steakhouse.

More of ChaiTime here: 


Compiled and partly written by Indian humorist MELVIN DURAI, author of the novel Bala Takes the Plunge.

[Comments? Contributions? We would love to hear from you about Chai Time. If you have contributions, please email us at melvin@melvindurai.com. We welcome jokes, quotes, online clips, and more.]

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