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Bollywood Can Help You Be Bollygood

July 2005
Bollywood Can Help You Be Bollygood

As president and founder of Bollywood Products Inc., I'd like to welcome you all to our first directors meeting. I started this company to take advantage of the Bollywood brand, the Bollywood name. It's a name that's known throughout the world, a name that's so popular, even Hollywood derived its name from it. Our new history books are clear about this: First came Bollywood, then Hollywood, then Lollywood.

Many people associate Bollywood with Bombay, the famous city that changed its name to Mumbai in order to be far less famous. But we at Bollywood Products Inc. will change people's perceptions with our new slogan: "Bollywood ? The ?B' stands for Beautiful."

So without further ado, I'd like to unveil our initial slate of products, along with the advertising pitch that will convince billions of people to buy them:

---BollyFood: "If you've always wanted to eat what your favorite stars eat, then you need to try BollyFood. The BollyFood label includes Bipasha's Burfi, Karishma's Khorma, and Salman's Salmon. Just one bite and you'll understand why Shahrukh never stops smiling and how he has enough energy, even early in the morning, to sign lots of autographs."

---BollyHood: "Whether you're an experienced thug or just trying to look tough, you're sure to improve your image with the BollyHood brand of guns, knives and masks. Made in India by the best craftsmen, these high-quality products have all been tested by Salman Khan. All our guns come with a special money-back guarantee: Buy one of them, take it to your local bank and get your money back. It's as easy as that."

---BollyGood: "If you want to appear wholesome and innocent, then do what Aishwarya Rai does: hypnotize yourself with our special BollyGood tapes. Listen to them in your car every morning, reciting phrases such as ?I do not have a boyfriend,' ?I have never kissed anyone,' and ?In my previous life, I must have been a nun.' Our BollyGood tapes have been used by many actresses and are so effective, every one of them is a virgin ? or about to become one."

---BollyTude: "Shahrukh Khan isn't the best-looking actor in Bollywood, yet he gets more hearts to palpitate than a cardiologist. How does he do it? By spraying himself each morning with BollyTude. It's not just a cologne, it's a confidence-booster. It gives Shahrukh just the right attitude to arouse millions of women ? and a few men, too. For only 2,500 rupees, you too can have BollyTude, and for another 1,000 rupees, we'll send you a FREE copy of Shahrukh's book, ?How BollyTude made me BollyRich.'"

---BollyMood: "If your wife doesn't have the patience to sit through a three-hour movie or your husband has trouble believing the storylines, just give them a puff from our special bidis and get them in the BollyMood. The smoke will help clear their minds, causing them to rave about Bollywood movies from dawn to dusk. They will compare Indian movies to the very best of Hollywood and demand an official inquiry into why Aishwarya Rai hasn't been awarded a dozen Oscars."

---BollyBrew: "If you're tired of ordinary beers, take a sip of BollyBrew. It's the only beer that Salman Khan drinks, the only beer he turns to when he wants to expand his rap sheet. The BollyBrew label includes Madhuri's Malt Liquor, Dimple's Draft, and Ash's Ale. Drink a few bottles and you'll find yourself singing and dancing like your favorite stars, right there in the middle of the street."

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