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The Humor Of Melvin Durai

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January 2007
The Humor Of Melvin Durai

"CELEBRITY NAMES I'D LIKE TO SEE"

Did you hear what GeoLa did the other day? They hosted a holiday party at the White House and expressed some touching words. L-Bush wished everyone in the world, including the troops in Iraq, a happy holiday season, while G-Bush said he was hoping that everyone in the world, including the troops, would enjoy a white Christmas. G-Bush added that the troops would be getting turkeys for Christmas and L-Bush smiled and said, "That's very nice of you, dear. Who else are you going with?"

If you're puzzled about those names, you probably haven't been keeping up with celebrity naming trends. The first trend, emerging in the last decade or so, is to take a celebrity's first initial and combine it with part of the celebrity's last name. Baseball player Alex Rodriguez is known as A-Rod, Jennifer Lopez is known as J.Lo, and humorist Dave Barry, in honor of his favorite hangout, is known as D-Bar.

It's important to remember this trend when naming your children, just in case they become famous. If your last name is Robson, you probably shouldn't name your kids Isaiah or Ivy. If your last name is Nussberger, you probably shouldn't name your kids Andrew or Anita. And if your last name is Assamoa, you're pretty much in trouble already.

A more recent trend is to combine a famous couple's first names to create a single name for them. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as Brangelina, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are known as TomKat, and Madonna and Guy Ritchie are known as MadGuy.

I'm not crazy about this trend, but I have a feeling it'll grow on me, especially if certain celebrities hook up. These are some of the relationships I'm hoping for:

I'd like to see Condoleezza Rice getting together with Canadian actor Victor Garber and becoming Convict.

I'd like to see retired news anchor Walter Cronkite getting together with Martha Stewart and becoming WalMart.

I'd like to see Val Kilmer getting together with Celine Dion and becoming Vaceline.

I'd like to see writer Malcolm Gladwell getting together with tennis star Maria Sharapova and becoming Malaria

I'd like to see former football star Herschel Walker getting together with actress Nia Long and becoming Hernia.

I'd like to see author Salman Rushdie getting together with fashion designer Stella McCartney and becoming Salmanella.

I'd like to see author Mona Simpson getting together with Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo and becoming Moron.

I'd like to see Indian actor Amir Khan getting together with singer Erykah Badu and becoming Amerykah.

But it's not just heterosexual relationships I'm hoping for.

I'd like to see California politician Dianne Feinstein getting together with actress Rhea Perlman and becoming DiaRhea.

I'd like to see Paris Hilton getting together with Mariah Carey and becoming Pariah.

I'd like to see pop star Sting getting together with game show host Wink Martindale and becoming Stink.

Most of all, I'd like to see baseball star Nomar Garciaparra getting together with former American Idol contestant Anwar Robinson and becoming NomarWar.

Wouldn't it be great if G-Bush invited NomarWar to his next holiday party?


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